"A Family Like God's" (Part 7)

The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell. (James 3:6 NIV).

Today we continue with some of the practical principles of restoring grace and forgiveness to our families. You may recall that yesterday I wrote the first principle was never both be angry at once. Today we look at the second principle: Never yell at each other unless the house is on fire. Isn’t it strange how easy it is to raise our voices when situations become emotionally charged? The truth is that our voices are either a wonderful tool of love and grace, or they are a weapon of unmatched destruction.

I know that some of you are already thinking that raising your voice is the only way to get their attention. However, it simply does not work positively in the lives of our children. It teaches the wrong lessons. Think of it for a moment. Yelling at kids teaches them that people do not mean what they say until they yell. Yelling at them teaches them to yell back. Yelling at them teaches kid to yell at others. It teaches them to ignore respectful and dignified requests when people speak to them in other tones of voice. It teaches them that they are not worthy of speaking to in civil tones. Yelling at them teaches them that this is a reasonable and appropriate way to relieve stress is to yell at others. The point here is that yelling at our children in any situation other than an emergency teaches them lots of stuff but it rarely, if ever, teaches them anything of much value. I do not think that yelling indelibly scars kids unduly nor does them irreparable psychological damage; but it certainly does not help them to learn productive ways of interacting with others. It just does not work in any way that conveys grace, love, or acceptance. By the way, can you imagine God yelling at you for any other reason except to warn you from an immediate danger?

I have found that there are other signals that we can give to our children that work much better. For example, when a request or directive is ignored, begin with a question. Remember, tone of voice, volume, body language all need to convey a seeking of information, not anger or combativeness. Let’s say that you have asked your child to help clear the dinner dishes, but they have left them to go into the family room to play. Rather than standing in the kitchen and yelling, go to where your kids are and say respectfully, "I need your help. Would you please get up now and come in and clear the dishes? Look at me kids. I am smiling and I am speaking in a polite tone of voice. I even said ‘please', but I really mean it." If they do not immediately start to move to clear the table, move squarely in front of them and ask politely in a calm tone, "Excuse me, but what did I just ask you to do?" You may have to point out to them that you just asked a question that you wish to have answered because they are now in their Ignore-Mom-or-Dad-mode. Stay right in front of them and wait for their answer. As soon as they can repeat what you have said, say, "Ok, so you know what you are to do and I am going to wait right here until you start, so please get started right now." All of this is said in a respectful and pleasant tone of voice at a conversational volume. Be patient. It may even take weeks for this new graceful approach to begin to take hold because the kids may have literally had years of habitually ignoring your conversational statements and years of hearing you yell at them. It will take time to "learn the new language" that you are speaking! It does work! And, it is full of grace!