"A Family Like God's" (Part 8)

The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell. (James 3:6 NIV).

I hope you had a chance to digest yesterday’s principle of “never yelling at one another unless the house is on fire.” Today is an extension of the use of our communication with one another. The third principle is: If you must criticize, do so lovingly.

While this principle falls naturally from the previous one, it is just as essential for us to understand and practice. Many years ago I learned this principle the hard way with my son, David. One day he came home with two of his friends and had purchased a pair of Oakley sunglasses. They were the rage in those days. And, they were quite expensive. He had earned some money in a part-time job and took his first hundred dollars and gone to purchase these sunglasses. They were very sporting, however since they did not have prescription lenses I didn’t see the need to have purchased them. He came in to show them to me and my reaction was more about the “uselessness” of the purchase than the act itself. True, it may not have been the wisest use of his funds; however the purchase was not really about the sunglasses at all. Thankfully I realized my mistake only moments after having spoken the words. His feelings were hurt and he was embarrassed in front of his friends. No wonder he stormed off to his room with his buddies in tow. There was only one thing for me to do. I needed to immediately offer an apology. I went to his room, knocked on the door and went in after he invited me to enter. In front of his friends, I apologized for my words and actions. The difference was immediate and extravagant. That small act of contrition went a long way to establishing a relationship that allowed me to offer insight and advice that exists to this day.

Let me make a few suggestions in offering positive, constructive, and graceful criticism. First, remember your children have feelings. Children, particularly when they are small, are completely in our control. It is easy to forget that they are little people. They have feelings that can be hurt and self-esteem that can be crushed if we criticize them in a non-constructive belittling way. We must try to relate to them as we would like others to relate to us. Second, make your message clear. The goal of proper criticism is to get your message across to your child. That means you have to have a message. If you don’t have an idea you are trying to convey, then all you are doing by criticizing your child is venting your own anger and frustration. You will do nothing positive for your child, and your child will not change his behavior in the future. Remember, your goal with criticism is to educate, not to punish or embarrass or to seek revenge against the child. When you criticize you must have something you are trying to teach. Third, deliver your message properly. Criticize the behavior, not the child. Never use labels. Children get their sense of whom they are from what others tell them. When a parent gives a child a label, this label will eventually stick, with disastrous consequences. Criticize privately. And, don’t bring up the past. Deal with the present behavior. And, last, deliver the criticism with love. Love is vital. Criticism is a gift. It is a gift of knowledge, it is a gift of values. Sometimes it is an unwanted gift. Still, it is a gift nevertheless. Our goal when is to do it with grace and restoration in mind. If you are angry, all they will hear is the anger. What the child will hear is “You don’t like me.” You cannot let the message get blurred out by the static of your emotions.