"A Family Like God's" (Part 4)

Jesus continued: "There was a man who had two sons. The younger one said to his father, 'Father, give me my share of the estate.' So he divided his property between them.” (Luke 15:11-12 NIV).

It occurs to me that in the exploration of the practicing calm wisdom in our families that some basic elements of communicating appropriately might prove helpful So here are ten of them that I think are essentials, especially when dealing with issues in our families. By the way, these work whether the conflict is with your children or your spouse:

• Don't Be Judgmental - You need to avoid words and phrases that attack your child/spouse and speculate on their flaws real or imagined. (i.e. You are so selfish - you are so stupid sometimes - look at you, you can't even have a conversation without acting like you are five)
• Skip the Labels - Don't slap a label on your child/spouse. They have names, use them.
• Use “I communication” - Don't use the word you when you are talking about a problem - instead talk about I (i.e. I feel overwhelmed or I am being pulled in too many directions, I need help)
• Skip the History Lesson - You don't need to drag up every incident that ever happened in the last five years - it's important to be constructive and not destructive (i.e. We had this conversation every month for the last 12 months, you never listen - instead try: We have tried to resolve this before, can you help me think of ways we can avoid having this same problem next month?)
• Eliminate the Negative - We are none of us perfect, constantly reminding your child/spouse of their flaws is not going to help them in any way - in fact, it's more likely to do harm than good.
• Use description, not attacks - You want to communicate what is happening to you and how you feel - not emote and scream at them so they have to guess (i.e. You always do this to me! - instead try: Yes, I am angry and I am frustrated. I need your help.)
• Don't bottle up your body language - When was the last time you wanted to talk to someone who had their arms folded or their back to you with their shoulders bunched up? We communicate nonverbally extremely well and we can see when people are not wanting to listen much less hear us, try to relax your shoulders and keep your arms down, look at them and not away.
• Don't Caption Your Message - Say what you mean and say what you feel - tell them the whole of it and not just the highlights. You aren't delivering the top ten reasons why you are unhappy in pithy commentary, you want to use all forms of communication to express yourself - whether you are conveying positive or negative messages
• Don't Threaten - Threats put someone in a corner - they demand acquiescence and promise consequences - too many people will do exactly the opposite because they don't want to be threatened and a positive family relationship needs cooperation and not intimidation.
• You are not a Mind Reader - Avoid assumptions, you are not a mind reader and neither is your child/spouse - their silence may indicate they are listening to you intently and not ignoring you; ask and be clear in your statements.

Remember, practice makes perfect. Even if you make a mistake, start over and keep working at it. Your family is worth it! Don’t give up… God didn’t!