"Conquering Your Past" (Part 2)

Jesus said, "Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." (Luke 6:37-38 NIV).

Today I want to focus your attention on a key principle in conquering your past. At the outset, I must confess that there have been times in my life when I have done well with this principle and other times not so well! Never-the-less, the principle is true. As difficult as it can be, forgiveness is imperative if we want to move our lives forward. The myth about forgiveness is that it's something you do for the other person. Actually it is something you do for yourself.

So, let’s begin at the beginning. If forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard to do? Why would we refuse to forgive? For one thing, we may be holding out for vindication, for an apology that may never come, or even for revenge. I find that when someone is willing to admit that they hurt me, forgiving is easy. But if they repeat the injury or refuse to acknowledge it, I want to hurt them back. We may enjoy the feeling of righteous anger, which can make us feel strong and powerful. Or we may want to punish the other person by withholding our forgiveness. But illogically, we often withhold forgiveness from someone we're not even in communication with. So who are we really punishing?

Refusing to forgive keeps us connected to that person and anchored to the past. When you hold onto the anger, hurt or resentment, you tend to play out in your head either the scene where you were wronged, or more likely, a scene of revenge or vindication. And that takes some of your energy, every day. By forgiving, we can reclaim the energy that is going into playing out this scene over and over and release ourselves from that past. Also, we tend to be least forgiving about qualities we find hard to forgive in ourselves. So how do you forgive? Do you just say, "I forgive you"? Yes, sometimes that works. But more often, there are a few steps you need to take first:

 First, realize and acknowledge what you're doing that you're holding onto old anger, hurt, resentment, and perhaps trying to punish someone, feel sorry for yourself or create an excuse not to move forward in your life. These are hard things to admit, but important to the process and to your growth.
 Second, express your feelings. Often, we hold onto negative feelings because we don't feel heard. If possible and appropriate, talk it out calmly with the other person. Let them know how you feel and why. If this doesn't feel right or the person is not accessible, you can still have a conversation with them in meditation or your journal; it will still have impact. Or express your feelings to a trusted friend or a counselor, so that you feel heard.
 Third, look at the situation from the other person's point of view. Why would they have chosen to hurt you? You may be surprised at some of the insights that can surface with this step that will make forgiveness much easier. Also, there may be times when it's difficult to forgive what someone did, particularly in cases of serious abuse, but it is usually possible to understand and forgive why they did it.
 Fourth, be willing to let go. This step is important to all types of healing. We must at some point intentionally and actively choose to let go. Be honest about this one. If you're not ready to truly let go, you may need to repeat the earlier steps, or even the whole process.
 Last, forgive. This may be as simple as saying, "I forgive you," or you may want to perform some sort of actual or meditative ritual of release. Perhaps light a candle, write "I forgive so-and-so for doing such-and-such" on a piece of paper, see yourself releasing them, then tear up the paper and burn it. Visualize taking back your energy from that person and situation. Feel released, renewed and revitalized.

Once you've done this process, if you later find yourself feeling angry or running the scene of revenge again, stop and change your thoughts. Or do the process again until you feel clear. You may have to go through it a few times to truly forgive and let it go. Whether you choose to continue a relationship with that person or not, the act of forgiving will free you both.