"A Family Like God's" (Part 12)

“So he got up and went to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him. The son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.' "But the father said to his servants, 'Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let's have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' So they began to celebrate.” (Luke 15:20-23 NIV).

Today we will look at the seventh principle of in developing a family like God’s: Never allow the other to come home without a warm welcome. Home ought to be a place of peace and security. You can communicate this with a warm welcome when your spouse or your children arrive. Don’t be too disappointed if it is seemingly ignored or taken for granted. Most good things are in our busy lives. But, they make a huge difference in the crises of life. Can you imagine what the Prodigal would have done if he didn’t feel he could have gone home? The story may have had a much different ending.

It’s so easy to take for granted that we will have “another day.” We often get into a habitual pattern of believing that we will have more time to do all the things that we know we should do. I doubt there’s anyone who would argue the opposite view of this seventh principle. Yet, it is one of the most neglected relational skills we have. It’s one of the reasons that our children feel more comfortable at school or with their friends. It’s the basis for the development of every estrangement that exists in families today. When you feel more “at home” with someone else, it becomes easy to go with them instead of your family.

It all begins with creating a sense of safety and security at home. What better way to do that than making a commitment to warmly welcome each other when you get home for the day? Because of my travel schedule this past year I have been able to see David and Becca pretty often; and, of course, I see Kyle, Brandy, Faith and Logan, each week. However, it has been quite sometime since I’ve been able to see Aaron. He has been busy with school and we just haven’t made it down to Baton Rouge. Just the other day he told me he was planning on coming “home” the first part of August! What a thrill it will be to see him for an extended period of time! And, what a joy to know that he wants to come “home.” I know his home is now in Baton Rouge, but as with all of my children, my desire is to make sure they know their anchor point is where Mary and I live, as long as we live. That began many years ago.

For some of you, you must begin now. Time has slipped away. However, it is not too late to make your house a “home.” Start with that daily warm welcome!

"A Family Like God's" (Part 11)

“So he got up and went to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him. The son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.' "But the father said to his servants, 'Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let's have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' So they began to celebrate.” (Luke 15:20-23 NIV).

Today we will look at the sixth principle of in developing a family like God’s: Never let a day end without saying a good word to each other. What a difference a simple word of encouragement makes in the lives of those closest to us! There are so many different ways to accomplish this. It may be something as simple as “I love you,” or as complex as a “teachable moment.” Whatever the circumstances, don’t let a day go by without speaking a positive, affirmative word to your family.

I love the way the wise father in Jesus’ parable responds to his wayward son. After the son say he is no longer worthy to be called his son, the father calls his servants and says, Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let's have a feast and celebrate. What a blessing to give to his son. Not only did he accept his confession, but returns him to full status as a son with a great celebration! Every good word we give to our spouse and children are worthy of such extravagance.

There are five areas that you may use as reminders for speaking positive words into the lives of your family: Acceptance, Affection, Appreciation, Approval and Attention. It looks like a daunting task, but it really is a simple thing to accomplish each. Let me make a few suggestions:

 Acceptance is achieved when you help your family members understand how grateful you are that they are a part of the family. For example, you might say something like, “I am so glad that you are my grandson!”
 Affection is perhaps the easiest to express. It is done through words of endearment and love. I like the way my granddaughter has learned that she can always run straight at me to jump in my arms and know that I will catch her up in a big hug and kiss and say to her, “I love you.”
 Appreciation is the act of expressing your gratitude for both who they are and what they do. It is so easy to take for granted all the little things that we do for one another in our families.
 Approval is the act of finding those things that we can emphasize from the day that are good things that they have accomplished.
 Attention nearly speaks for itself. It is the act of concentrating on what is being said to you from your family members. As simple as that sounds, it is one of the most important things to do. We all need to know we have been heard.

Make a commitment to speak a good word to your family members everyday!

"A Family Like God's" (Part 10)

“So he got up and went to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him. The son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.' "But the father said to his servants, 'Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let's have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' So they began to celebrate.” (Luke 15:20-23 NIV).

Today we will look at the fifth principle of in developing a family like God’s: Neglect the whole world rather than each other. There are so many things that pull at our time and energy. We should be very careful to guard our relationships so that nothing may drive us apart.

Today's parents talk quite a bit about spending quality time with their children. Some parents believe that if they've spent an hour of "quality" time with their children, they've done enough. This hour is usually focused on an enjoyable activity: watching television, going out to eat, or going to the movies; of which all are good things, but not the BEST thing. I know that today's world turns at a frenetic pace and parents are often overwhelmed by all they have to do, however you cannot minimize the importance of spending both quality and what I call quantity time with your kids.

I have heard it said that time is the most precious thing you own. Because our lives are so full of hurry, worry and activity, we often stress the importance of spending "quality time" with our children. Much of the time this is rooted in the fact that we feel guilty of knowing that we often push our kids to the bottom of the list. Yes, we assure them, I’ll spend some time with you, but only after I finish this and that. Spending time with our kids becomes another item on our list, as if they were a "thing to do." Unfortunately our children feel and understand that.

My oldest son said it so well once when he and I were watching David play a baseball game. He looked at me and said, “Thanks for coming to the game to watch David, Dad. You know, we always play better when we know you’re watching.” I never forgot that conversation. While many may have misunderstood my priorities, my prayer was that they would be very clear to my family. Make sure that your family sees you place them ahead of everything else in life. No wonder that the wise father in our parable said, Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let's have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found. He truly understood the value of his son to him.

"A Family Like God's" (Part 9)

“So he got up and went to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him. The son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.' "But the father said to his servants, 'Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let's have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' So they began to celebrate.” (Luke 15:20-23 NIV).

Today we will look at the fourth principle of in developing a family like God’s: Never bring up a mistake of the past. It goes without saying that the past ought to remain in the past. The only issue that ought to be dealt with is the one before you. Past failures should never be used as a weapon in any discussion. That’s not God’s way, and it shouldn’t be our way!

When I have dealt with parents and couples in the families and marriages about this issue I have used the term “reruns.” We’re all familiar with television reruns or instant replays in sports, however when we see them in the family they are always a source of a deeper problem. Bringing up things from the past or throwing past mistakes in each others' faces is not good for any relationship. It is important to forgive and leave the past where it belongs. When we take every opportunity to remind our spouses or children of past problems or mistakes, it makes it clear that we really haven't forgiven or moved on. We must learn to let go put it behind us. Maybe the issue was never fully resolved and needs to be discussed calmly and settled once and for all, however this should not be attempted during a disagreement or heated exchange, but at another purposefully scheduled time.

That’s the example that Jesus uses in the parable of this wise father. I am sure that there could have been plenty of “I told you so’s” when the son came home, however the father exercised a wisdom that all of us would do well to emulate. He recognized the greater need for forgiveness and acceptance. Just as God forgives and forgets our past so we should deal with our family in the same manner. There are three principles in the development of this kind of practice in your family. First, treat it as a promise that you make to the individual who has offended you and now has repented, in which you are saying to him or her, I will not let my attitude toward you be governed any longer by this offense. It has been put aside. My treatment of you from here on will be as though this has never happened. Second, treat it as a promise not to pass it on to anybody else. When a matter is forgiven, it is to be forgotten. Now it may be that everyone knows about the matter, but what it means is that nobody brings up the issue again or holds it over a forgiven person's head or reminds him or her of it every time any further difficulty occurs. It is a promise to drop the matter, leave it in the past, and never bring it up to anybody again. Third, and probably most important, it is a promise to yourself that when your memory goes back to it, as it will occasionally, you are not going to allow it to seize hold of your heart and make you angry all over again. The minute it comes back to mind, you put it aside as something that belongs to the past. You are not going to dwell on it. It is a promise, therefore, to repeat your act of forgiveness, no matter how often the memory comes up. That is what forgiveness is like in a family like God’s!

"A Family Like God's" (Part 8)

The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell. (James 3:6 NIV).

I hope you had a chance to digest yesterday’s principle of “never yelling at one another unless the house is on fire.” Today is an extension of the use of our communication with one another. The third principle is: If you must criticize, do so lovingly.

While this principle falls naturally from the previous one, it is just as essential for us to understand and practice. Many years ago I learned this principle the hard way with my son, David. One day he came home with two of his friends and had purchased a pair of Oakley sunglasses. They were the rage in those days. And, they were quite expensive. He had earned some money in a part-time job and took his first hundred dollars and gone to purchase these sunglasses. They were very sporting, however since they did not have prescription lenses I didn’t see the need to have purchased them. He came in to show them to me and my reaction was more about the “uselessness” of the purchase than the act itself. True, it may not have been the wisest use of his funds; however the purchase was not really about the sunglasses at all. Thankfully I realized my mistake only moments after having spoken the words. His feelings were hurt and he was embarrassed in front of his friends. No wonder he stormed off to his room with his buddies in tow. There was only one thing for me to do. I needed to immediately offer an apology. I went to his room, knocked on the door and went in after he invited me to enter. In front of his friends, I apologized for my words and actions. The difference was immediate and extravagant. That small act of contrition went a long way to establishing a relationship that allowed me to offer insight and advice that exists to this day.

Let me make a few suggestions in offering positive, constructive, and graceful criticism. First, remember your children have feelings. Children, particularly when they are small, are completely in our control. It is easy to forget that they are little people. They have feelings that can be hurt and self-esteem that can be crushed if we criticize them in a non-constructive belittling way. We must try to relate to them as we would like others to relate to us. Second, make your message clear. The goal of proper criticism is to get your message across to your child. That means you have to have a message. If you don’t have an idea you are trying to convey, then all you are doing by criticizing your child is venting your own anger and frustration. You will do nothing positive for your child, and your child will not change his behavior in the future. Remember, your goal with criticism is to educate, not to punish or embarrass or to seek revenge against the child. When you criticize you must have something you are trying to teach. Third, deliver your message properly. Criticize the behavior, not the child. Never use labels. Children get their sense of whom they are from what others tell them. When a parent gives a child a label, this label will eventually stick, with disastrous consequences. Criticize privately. And, don’t bring up the past. Deal with the present behavior. And, last, deliver the criticism with love. Love is vital. Criticism is a gift. It is a gift of knowledge, it is a gift of values. Sometimes it is an unwanted gift. Still, it is a gift nevertheless. Our goal when is to do it with grace and restoration in mind. If you are angry, all they will hear is the anger. What the child will hear is “You don’t like me.” You cannot let the message get blurred out by the static of your emotions.

"A Family Like God's" (Part 7)

The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell. (James 3:6 NIV).

Today we continue with some of the practical principles of restoring grace and forgiveness to our families. You may recall that yesterday I wrote the first principle was never both be angry at once. Today we look at the second principle: Never yell at each other unless the house is on fire. Isn’t it strange how easy it is to raise our voices when situations become emotionally charged? The truth is that our voices are either a wonderful tool of love and grace, or they are a weapon of unmatched destruction.

I know that some of you are already thinking that raising your voice is the only way to get their attention. However, it simply does not work positively in the lives of our children. It teaches the wrong lessons. Think of it for a moment. Yelling at kids teaches them that people do not mean what they say until they yell. Yelling at them teaches them to yell back. Yelling at them teaches kid to yell at others. It teaches them to ignore respectful and dignified requests when people speak to them in other tones of voice. It teaches them that they are not worthy of speaking to in civil tones. Yelling at them teaches them that this is a reasonable and appropriate way to relieve stress is to yell at others. The point here is that yelling at our children in any situation other than an emergency teaches them lots of stuff but it rarely, if ever, teaches them anything of much value. I do not think that yelling indelibly scars kids unduly nor does them irreparable psychological damage; but it certainly does not help them to learn productive ways of interacting with others. It just does not work in any way that conveys grace, love, or acceptance. By the way, can you imagine God yelling at you for any other reason except to warn you from an immediate danger?

I have found that there are other signals that we can give to our children that work much better. For example, when a request or directive is ignored, begin with a question. Remember, tone of voice, volume, body language all need to convey a seeking of information, not anger or combativeness. Let’s say that you have asked your child to help clear the dinner dishes, but they have left them to go into the family room to play. Rather than standing in the kitchen and yelling, go to where your kids are and say respectfully, "I need your help. Would you please get up now and come in and clear the dishes? Look at me kids. I am smiling and I am speaking in a polite tone of voice. I even said ‘please', but I really mean it." If they do not immediately start to move to clear the table, move squarely in front of them and ask politely in a calm tone, "Excuse me, but what did I just ask you to do?" You may have to point out to them that you just asked a question that you wish to have answered because they are now in their Ignore-Mom-or-Dad-mode. Stay right in front of them and wait for their answer. As soon as they can repeat what you have said, say, "Ok, so you know what you are to do and I am going to wait right here until you start, so please get started right now." All of this is said in a respectful and pleasant tone of voice at a conversational volume. Be patient. It may even take weeks for this new graceful approach to begin to take hold because the kids may have literally had years of habitually ignoring your conversational statements and years of hearing you yell at them. It will take time to "learn the new language" that you are speaking! It does work! And, it is full of grace!

"A Family Like God's" (Part 6)

“So he got up and went to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him. The son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.' "But the father said to his servants, 'Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let's have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' So they began to celebrate.” (Luke 15:20-23 NIV).

Today we begin the real meat of restoring grace and forgiveness to our families. In the June 22nd Morning Devotional, “Guarding the Low Places,” which can be found at www.gracerestoration.org/site/?p=377, I listed briefly ten principles for positive parenting. In the next few days I want to look closely at each of them. The first is: Never both be angry at once.

Perhaps the most essential element in our failure to extend grace in our relationships is that of anger. When we are angry, we simply cannot think clearly. Before you react, realize your feelings will affect your thoughts and words. I remember a time when such a moment was vividly painted in my experience. My oldest son, Kyle, found himself in a situation that required I come and pick him up from the custody of the local police! It was in the fall of the year, and he and some of his friends had decided to play a prank in a local neighborhood. They gathered as many trash bags of leaves left for pick-up on the curbs of the neighborhoods and placed them diagonally across an intersection, blocking traffic from going through any of the streets. It really was ingenious as they placed them in just the right spot to block the intersection. However, it was also dangerous and illegal. Arriving on the scene at 2:00 AM on a Sunday morning, I spoke with the police, and took custody of my son. As he got in the car I knew he wanted to talk about the incident. After all, he had broken one of the cardinal rules of the house: he was not where he said he would be and didn’t call to inform me he was leaving that place. Before he could say anything, I said, “We will talk about this later. Right now, I am too angry to not say something we would regret later. I am happy you are safe. When we get home, go to bed and get some rest.” I have been so thankful through the years that in that moment I could step back from my anger and just think. That experience has been a great step in the growth of our relationship through the years.

Today we actually chuckle at the memory of that night; however, I can assure you that it was not a humorous moment then! My first response when received the call was fear that something bad had happened and I was being informed to come and identify my son’s body! Then when I found out he was safe, but had broken the law in a dangerous prank, I was just plain angry. I don’t know about you, but I never think clearly when I am angry. Lot’s of bad things could have been set in motion that night had I reacted out of anger. I am grateful that time God’s grace prevailed. The first principle is never both be angry at the same time. Commit yourself to it and begin to practice it in your family.