"A Happy Marriage" (Part 3)

As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. (Ephesians 5:31-33 NLT).

Let’s revisit yesterday’s thought. Happiness should not be the primary goal of marriage. Look at some statistics again. Marriages in America are in a horrendous mess. Although 93% of Americans rate having a happy marriage as one of their most important objectives in life, and more than 70% believe that marriage involves a lifelong commitment that should be ended only under extreme circumstances, couples marrying for the first time in the US continue to face a 50% chance of divorcing, with approximately two-thirds of these divorces occurring within five to seven years of marriage. Equally disturbing is that many distressed couples never divorce, remaining in unsatisfying and/or conflicted relationships. At least one researcher suggests that fewer than half of the marriages that avoid divorce can be described as truly happy! Rutgers sociologists Dr. David Popenoe and Dr. Barbara Defoe Whitehead confirm these grim facts in their report on marriage titled, The State of Our Unions—The Social Health of Marriage in America, showing that key social indicators suggest a substantial weakening of the institution of marriage.

And, some folks have asked me why I believe the family is in desperate need of restoration! I have never felt a stronger call to be a part of the movement of God in restoring the family. It is the driving force that is calling me to establish Grace Restoration Ministries as an outlet to bring grace to both the family and the church. (For more about that, please visit the web site at www.gracerestoration.org). Thanks to Hollywood characters and celebrities who promote the benefits of single parenthood, being a married parent is no longer viewed as the ideal for raising a family. How could we have come to the point that marriage has diminished to a relationship entered for the sole purpose of meeting the sexual and emotional needs of each partner? Today the goal in marriage has become personal satisfaction. “Will my needs get met? What’s in it for me?” And the biggest question of all: “Will it be pleasurable for me?” If the marriage no longer meets the personal needs of partners, they move on to the next relationship. So what’s the solution? I’m convinced that once we understand and commit to God’s purpose in marriage instead using it for self-satisfaction, serious marriage problems will diminish greatly.

Though it seems paradoxical, this means if you want a satisfying marriage you’ve got to forget about happiness. I don’t mean that you should want to be unhappy. In fact, I don’t think that’s possible. Everyone wants to be happy. And because we want so much to be happy, we naturally make happiness our goal and set out to find the things we think will make us happy. The problem is that happiness never comes when you make it the goal. It’s like a mirage. It shimmers invitingly in the sunlight until you reach it, and then it vanishes. You can’t go to happiness; happiness must come to you. And it only comes as a by-product of achieving a higher goal. Happiness doesn’t work as a goal, because meeting our terms for happiness depends on what happens around us. It requires just the right circumstances and the cooperation of other people. Unfortunately, those circumstances seldom align. That cooperation rarely happens. Furthermore, when a marriage is all about finding happiness, it creates dependency as we turn to our mate or require ideal circumstances to meet our expectations. And that dependency puts a heavy burden on the mate. It’s true that we do have something inside that is seeking completeness and fulfillment. We all yearn to connect to a source that can fulfill all our needs. But the problem comes when we misdirect that search toward the wrong object. Your mate is not that source. God, through a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, can be the only source of happiness. Stay tuned tomorrow and we’ll look at some practical steps to accomplishing this.