"A Happy Marriage" (Part 2)

As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. (Ephesians 5:31-33 NLT).

Again I want to begin with a statement that I understand there are those divorces that were either unavoidable or justified by the actions of one of the spouses. Of course I would never say that a marriage should continue when one of the partners was abusive and refused restoration or change. And, of course, there are those times when one of the partners simply walks away without giving restoration a chance. I heard some of the shallowest reasons for pursuing a divorce in my years of counseling. However, I have also seen two people work hard to restore their marriage and the fruit that is born from that is incredible!

So, let me start with some basics in the area of expectations. A good beginning usually insures a good finish. Paul talks about loving and respecting one another in our reading today. It always baffles me a bit that couples usually don’t think about that part of their relationship until the shiny wears off! Most couples enter marriage hoping to achieve happiness. While there is nothing basically wring with that, it can set us up for unfulfilled expectations due to misunderstanding of what happiness really looks like in practice. For each of us, that vision of happiness takes a different form. Maybe you longed to be whole or competed; to have perfect kids, and a family that everyone looks up to; to live securely and comfortably; to have someone always there so you wouldn’t feel lonely, abandoned, rejected, or sad. Your goal may have been to satisfy your sexual desires; for your mate to be the lover who would love you the way you always wanted to be loved. In other words, you expected to find your “soul mate” in your husband or wife. That doesn’t sound unreasonable, does it?

It may surprise you to read that I believe that your marriage is in big trouble when you pursue these goals. If happiness or finding your soul mate is the objective, you are more than likely setting yourself up for failure and possibly facing years of hurt and frustration. When the marriage does not fulfill your expectations you’ll wonder if there is something wrong with you or with your mate. Sadly, a person may often ask, “Did I marry the wrong person?” This kind of disappointment hits most couples shortly after the wedding because each partner begins to see faults and chinks in the armor of the other. The shiny begins to wear off! They begin to think that new husband or wife really needs some work. It appears that she is far from ready to meet all his needs and expectations. Instead of being sold out to her ideas of marriage, he came with his own goals, expecting her to be sold out to his. So your goal of finding happiness in your soul mate must be put aside until you change your spouse into the person you want him or her to be. You buy into the myth that will not die, that if your mate would change just a few key things, your marriage would be great. That is the foundational lie that leads many marriages to failure.

So, if happiness isn’t the goal, what is? The key is in the illustration that Paul uses. A marriage is to be patterned after the relationship that Jesus has with the Church. The marriage is about the other person. It is about sacrifice from both partners to the other. Whoever said that a marriage was to be 50-50 was crazy! It is 100-100! We ought to give to one another everything we have to give, all of the time we can give, in every way we can give. Oh, one other thing, that will produce real happiness. It’s just that the goal is entirely different. Set your commitment to be one with your spouse. We’ll look more at that tomorrow. Today, pray that the Lord would show you more and more how to be like He is toward the Church!