The Ziegarnik Effect

When they had finished breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these?” He said to him, “Yes, Lord; you know that I love you.” He said to him, “Feed my lambs.” He said to him a second time, “Simon, son of John, do you love me?” He said to him, “Yes, Lord; you know that I love you.” He said to him, “Tend my sheep.” He said to him the third time, “Simon, son of John, do you love me?” Peter was grieved because he said to him the third time, “Do you love me?” and he said to him, “Lord, you know everything; you know that I love you.” Jesus said to him, “Feed my sheep. Truly, truly, I say to you, when you were young, you used to dress yourself and walk wherever you wanted, but when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and another will dress you and carry you where you do not want to go.” (This he said to show by what kind of death he was to glorify God.) And after saying this he said to him, “Follow me.” (John 21:15-19 ESV).

Our reading today is a wonderful example of the “Ziegarnik Effect.” The Ziegarnik Effect, in simple terms, is the tendency we have to remember the uncompleted, or interrupted, tasks more than we do those that have been completed or resolved. When we put that in the context of marriage we would say that we tend to remember all of the unresolved conflicts, or issues, in our marriages more than we do the ones we’ve resolved and put behind us. And, When a couple’s negative dealings are not properly resolved, they are constantly being remembered and rehearsed by each spouse from his or her point of view. Trust begins to erode and their marriage becomes a breeding ground for negative feelings and withdrawal. Soon each spouse begins to view one another with a critical eye. They become suspicious and begin to mistrust each other; and if left unchecked they will find themselves believing that their spouse is the enemy. Hopefully you can see that unprocessed negative events, or unresolved conflicts, between you and your spouse are extremely destructive because they erode trust. And if left unresolved, these issues will ultimately create a powerful death spiral that can ultimately destroy your most intimate relationship. The Apostle Paul admonishes us in Ephesians 4:26: “do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.” God knows that we humans have a strong tendency towards rehearsing the unresolved negatives in our hearts and heads over and over again. So, if an unresolved conflict has been rattling around in your heart and head, make a commitment to get it resolved as soon as possible. You do not want to give the devil an opportunity to divide you as husband and wife and to destroy your marriage. Even if you believe there can be no resolution, God has always provided a position of restoration for us that will be mutually satisfying and affirmative. If you need, find a Biblical Christian Counselor who can help you find this grace in your life today.