The Good Listener - Pt 5

Before destruction a man's heart is haughty, but humility comes before honor. If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame. (Proverbs 18:12-13 ESV). Today we see the fourth principle of good listening: good listening prepares us to speak well. Sometimes good listening only listens, and ministers best by keeping quiet, but typically good listening readies us to minister words of grace to precisely the place where the other is in need. While the fool “gives an answer before he hears” (cf. Proverbs 18:13), the wise person tries to resist defensiveness, and to listen from a non-judgmental stance, training himself not to formulate opinions or responses until the full update is on the table and the whole story has been heard. I have found the need to defend ourselves so overpowering that we can rarely stop from doing it. This is especially true in our relationships. Even when another comes to us with a genuine concern, born out of a desire to restore and build a stronger relationship, we usually want to respond with the reason why we did what we did. It looks something like this: First Person: “I really would like to talk to you about the way you ignored me the other day. It made me feel like you didn’t care about me.” Second Person: “I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to ignore you. I was just so busy at the time that I didn’t pay attention.” Sounds good on the surface doesn’t it. However, when we analyze it from the offended person’s point of view, it says, “I’m not really at fault, and you should have noticed I was busy and not been offended.” It is never a means of real communication. Let me suggest how listening can help us speak words of healing and restoration: First Person: “I really would like to talk to you about the way you ignored me the other day. It made me feel like you didn’t care about me.” Second Person: “I’m really sorry. Please forgive me. What can I do to help us fix this?” These become words that heal. They are words born out of listening. They are words that are rooted in others, not ourselves. They are words of humility. They are words that restore. Listen with the intent to hear, then respond.