Listening and Talking

 

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. (Ephesians 4:29-32 ESV).

 

The importance of listening cannot be exaggerated. While hearing loss can be a reason for talking more than listening, for most of us we simply believe that what we have to say is more important than what we might hear. Some of us struggle to listen simply because we have a habit of speaking too much. We listen impatiently, thinking only of what we want to say next. I’ve had more than one person storm out of a couple’s session with the offended spouse says, “Why talk? You never listen anyway.” Some parents also never listen to their children, and some children never listen to their parents.

 

Some people simply haven’t learned the need to compete in a relationship is destructive. It will always end in division and estrangement. In our reading today, Paul calls us to cease from tearing one another down as this tears apart Christ’s body of the global church and grieves the Holy Spirit. Rather, we’ve each been given the lifework of building up and benefiting one another with every single word we say, for it is in the deep inner work of being kind and tenderhearted, forgiving one another, that we find the heartbeat of Jesus, who has been radically kind, tenderhearted, and forgiving to us. In short, we must adopt the attitude of refusing the need to “win the debate.”

 

We must not let our relationships devolve into a series of positional exchanges. The best way I have found to break out of this position is to concentrate on using lots of questions marks to punctuate our conversations with others. We so often become tellers of the truth without giving grace. This is true with ever relationship, though it is especially true in the family. Marty Grothe says it this way:

 

Instead of talking with the hope that people will listen, try listening in the hope that people will talk.

 

This is the path to kindness, tenderness, and forgiveness. Do that today and watch the difference it makes in your relationships.