Listening Well

Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. Therefore put away all filthiness and rampant wickedness and receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls. (James 1:19-21 ESV).

Our reading today may be the charter text for listening. It’s simple enough in principle, and nearly impossible to actually accomplish. Too often we are slow to hear, quick to speak, and quick to anger. I have found that listening well only happens when I am determined to really hear what someone else is saying. When I am thinking more about my response that really hearing what is being said, I often miss the whole point of the conversation in my effort to compete. Learning to listen well won’t happen overnight. It requires discipline, effort, and intentionality. You will get better with time; however, becoming a better listener does not depend on one “big thing.” It depends on developing a pattern of little habits allowing us to focus in on particular people in specific moments. Perhaps the most essential of these habits to develop is patience. We must learn to avoid listening with half an ear that presumes we already know what the other person has to say. This is no more than an impatient, inattentive listening, that is only waiting for a chance to speak. Perhaps we think we know where the speaker is going, and so already begin formulating our response. Or we were in the middle of something when someone started talking to us, or have another commitment approaching, and we wish they were done already. Or maybe we’re half-eared because our attention is divided, by our external surroundings or our internal rebounding to self. Whatever the reason, we must learn to patiently listen. Good listening asks perceptive questions. This counsel is written often in the Proverbs. It is the fool who “takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion” (Proverbs 18:2), and thus “gives an answer before he hears” (Proverbs 18:13). And Solomon also writes, “The purpose in a man’s heart is like deep water” (Proverbs 20:5), “but a man of understanding will draw it out.” Good listening asks perceptive, open-ended questions that don’t force people into yes-no answers. We must learn to gently peel the onion and probe beneath the surface. We should also practice watching carefully for nonverbal communication. We should not interrogate or pry into details the speaker doesn’t want to share, but meekly draws them out and help point the speaker to fresh perspectives through careful, but genuine, questions. Commit yourself to being such a listener, especially to your children.