Happy Birthday, Mary!

An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life. (Proverbs 31:10-12 ESV). Today is the 27th anniversary of Mary’s 39th birthday. You do the math. I’m not dumb enough to put that in print! I can tell you that she is still as beautiful and wonderful as the first day we met. Of course, we all have our foibles; however, I have found that it is a matter of focus that brings everything in an appropriate perspective. Dealing with so many couples who are in such difficult relationships, I find it true that focus is often skewed. Haven’t you noticed how easy it is to see the bad so much more clearly than the good? In fact, studies have indicated that when our focus is over half of bad versus good, there is an 80% chance the relationship will fail. Let me make three suggestions that I believe will help you find that “excellent wife.” If you’re married, she’s probably right beside you. 1. First, let go of grudges. Everyone makes mistakes, and forgiveness is the key to a healthy relationship. Get a blank sheet of paper. Write down the grudge your holding onto about your partner and circle it. Around this circle make another ten circles. In each surrounding circle write positive traits, qualities, and attributes about your partner. Make effort to focus on all of these positive qualities instead of the one negative thing they did or said. 2. Second, learn to be actively constructive in responding to one another. It’s a great feeling to share our good news with others, and there are many different ways we can respond to this good news. We can passively respond and not show any real interest, or we can really express our enthusiasm for the good fortune of our partner. In order to cultivate positive emotions, practice responding actively and constructively when your partner reports positive events. Use your body language and tone of voice to reflect you really care and are happy with them. 3. Third, use the “Three Good Things” exercise. Gratitude is a great way to focus on the positive. Take time each night to write down three positive things your partner did that day. They may have said something nice, did something kind for you, or showed generosity to someone else. Whatever it was, write it down to remind yourself of what you appreciate about them. Using these techniques can help to stabilize conflict and prevent a downward spiral of negativity. No one is perfect and we all make mistakes; so don’t overlook all the positive qualities that make your partner truly amazing.