Pavlov's Dog

It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives to his beloved sleep. Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. (Psalm 127:2-4 ESV). One of the foundations of the modern science of psychology is the work of the early behaviorist, Pavlov. He demonstrated that a dog could be conditioned to associate a reward with a sound. Every time the dog was fed a bell was rung. Soon the dog began salivating merely at the sound of the bell. Other psychologists such as B.F. Skinner refined these theories, founding the field of behavioral psychology. It has been a principle that has proven very helpful in treating some psychological disorders and phobias. However, it should not be a part of the basis for our relationship with our children. Let me put it more plainly: You don't love your kids because of what they do, but because of who they are. Simply rewarding children with affection because of their accomplishments is like a trainer giving a dog some food every time he does a trick. The dog isn't loved for himself, but for his actions. Dr. Laura Schlessinger, the popular talk show host, has a new book for children titled, "Why Do You Love Me?" Part of the story includes a mother explaining to her son that it is not what he does that makes her love him; she loves him because he is unique and because he is her son. What a message to communicate with or children! This is the heart of unconditional love, which provides the cornerstone for a child’s self-esteem. It’s the love that communicates to a child, “I believe in you, I’m here for you, and I love you no matter what.” Let me make some practical suggestions to do this:  First, separate the child from the behavior. Unconditional love is not permissive parenting. Unconditional love does not excuse wrong actions. However, it does not hold to the belief that people are what they do. Our children are who they are, not what they do. That apples positively or negatively. Don’t just reward children for the good behavior and punish for their poor behavior. That works with dogs, not children. Teach them, rather than merely training them.  Provide plenty of focused attention. Focused attention means looking into the eyes of your child when speaking with them. Sadly, much of parental communication is task-oriented. “Have your finished your homework?” or “Did you take out the trash?” Additionally, much communication takes place when the parent is doing something else such as reading the newspaper or watching television. When parents provide their undivided attention when speaking with a child, it sends a very strong message to the child and that is, “I value you and what you have to say is important to me.”  Give plenty of appropriate physical contact. Dr. Ross Campbell stresses the importance of touching your children physically. He states, “Appropriate and consistent physical contact is a vital way to give your teenager that feeling and conviction that you truly care about him. This is especially true when your teen is non-communicative, sullen, moody, or resistant. During these times, eye contact may be difficult or impossible. But physical contact can almost always be used effectively.” Parents really can touch their youngster’s heart by appropriately touching them.  Appreciate the uniqueness of each child. Don’t assign importance to only those attributes that you hold dear, like being thin, playing a particular sport, or being mechanical. Instead, help each child recognize his own uniqueness.  Don’t allow your ego to get wrapped up in the child. When children are born, parents quickly count fingers and toes and are delighted when everything is normal. But from that point on, some parents are never satisfied again. Unfortunately, they quickly become addicted to the strokes they get from their child’s successes. Never give a child the responsibility for your feelings of self-worth.  Do whatever necessary to encourage a child’s belief in himself. William Glasser writes, “Children find in the eyes of their parents the mirror in which they define themselves in the relationship. Fill it with nothing and they become nothing. They have a tremendous ability to live down to the lowest expectation in any environment.” Make sure what your child’s sees in your eyes is positive. After all, they are not dogs to be trained. They are God’s great gift to you, precious beyond description!